Some weeks life feels like a hamster wheel... running in circles getting no where other than exhausted, discouraged and frustrated. This week is my hamster wheel week. I ended my weekend at the point of emotional exhaustion, finding myself driving in the car with my lovely twelve year old daughter, crying. Okay, more like sobbing and unable to coherently speak, but thankfully could still see through the tears enough to drive, and speak clearly enough to let my daughter know "I'm really sorry. I'm really ok."
Sadly I can't even fully pin point the why behind my emotional exhaustion. The weekend had been like any other weekend over the last 8 months. Saturday was filled with work and kids' activities such as indoor soccer and basketball. Saturday night was a lovely night out with my boyfriend for a work event and then home early enough to relax and watch my new favorite show on Netflix, "Parenthood". My Sunday was filled with pure laziness. Yes I had a laundry list of items I should have been doing... cleaning bathrooms, laundry, vacuuming, dishes, dusting, organizing my downstairs, organizing my office, meal planning, grocery shopping, cleaning out my car, studying, balancing my check book, paying bills and this is just the beginning of the list. I was filled with no desire to actually be intentional with my time, with my day and accomplish anything. Instead I started by day in bed, drinking a warm cup of Spark, reading my devotional and writing in my journal, followed by writing on my blog which was only followed by more laziness which consisted of watching more "Parenthood." When dinner came, I had no desire to cook, and truly nothing in the house to cook since I boycotted meal planning and grocery shopping; this resulted then in dinner from Panda Express (after all no one else makes such delicious orange chicken). It was here, the end of my day of laziness, after grabbing orange chicken for four, when my emotions sunk, and I was a ball of tears.. all because my daughter asked me if we could do some activity. I don't recall what it was even, but that it cost money... and that's when the tears flowed and all I could keep telling her was that I was sorry; that I am working hard to provide for us, but I just don't have the extra money.
Monday I awoke just as emotional exhausted. I am tired of running on the hamster wheel. The wheel was intended for hamsters to get exercise, not to remain on indefinitely, or until complete exhaustion at which time they are paralyzed. This is me right now... I am the hamster. I am on the hamster wheel, not on the wheel to exercise, but on the wheel trying to maintain, only I am reaching exhaustion, my margin is full. In this exhaustion I feel discouraged. I feel frustrated. I have been working hard in all areas of my life, I have been working to move ahead to provide for my kids, to get debt reduced, to meet the needs of each one of my kids, to be an active, engaged parent for my kids, to take care of myself, to grow my own dreams and passions, to be financially wise and the list goes on. I keep doing.
That's the problem... I keep doing. I live off a list. I check off my items as I accomplish them. I live my life on the wheel thinking it's moving me forward, getting me ahead, but instead I am spinning in circles. It's time to get off the wheel. Take the frightening jump. Leap off the wheel...I need to live here, now and focus on what is working, what blessings are in front of me... I need to trust in what God has planned and not what I have planned.
It's time to turn into Him for rest, for reassurance, for strength and listen. It's time to let go of my plan and remember He knows the plans He has for me, plans to give me hope and a future.
I'm a single mom of four radiant kids who believes in relationship with Jesus over religion. I'm trying not to battle with fear anymore - instead I am choosing to follow what God has called me to do. With that you'll find me here, trying to be brave, with the goal of being authentic and honest about God, single parenting and the beauty in the mess of my joyful chaos. It's sure to be a journey... and I am blessed to share it with you!