Tonight I sit at my computer to begin writing, with a heavy heart. One that I have come to realize I have been carrying for some time. The last few months, roughly five months, have been a rollercoaster of emotions. For much of the time I thought I was doing well, more than managing but actually living and not just surviving. Slowly though, over the last five months, I have come to see I have been going through the motions, stuffing emotions and merely surviving. I wear the guise that life is great and I am good. Only inside, I am falling apart. The tapes of Destruction being written in my head every day… getting meaner, and more negative as each day passes.
“You’re not a good mom”
“You’re not a good manager at work.”
“You’re a terrible girlfriend. A real girlfriend wouldn’t be so critical.”
“Of course you’re a terrible girlfriend, after all you were a horrible wife, why would you be any different now?”
“You would be a horrible step-mom. You were horrible before.”
“You are wrong to have high expectations on all the kids including your boyfriend’s son.”
“You will never get remarried. You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve a wedding and he will never love you; you will always be second to him.”
“You will never be enough to make your parent proud.”
“You should not write. You’re a horrible writer.”
“You have nothing to offer to those around you.”
“You are terrible at keeping house - it’s never fully clean. You should be embarrassed to have people over.”
“You think stuff through too much.”
“You need to be different. You need to be able to make quick decisions.”
These are just some of the negative statements I have running through my head every day. Usually I can replace them with truth, God’s truth. Lately though, I am struggling with replacing them with truth. Instead, all my failures, all my mistakes, all my imperfections are bombarding me. I am constantly comparing myself to others, how if I was more like this person, then I would be more disciplined with exercise; if I was more like this person then I would be a better mom, girlfriend and housekeeper; if I was more like this person, I would be more successful at work and in my education. Comparisons like this bombard me all day, every day.
As I reflect on the last five months, as it becomes apparent why I am now drowning in a sea of negative thoughts and comparison, I can see the situations that I have allowed to bring me to this place. I see where I went off track, where I have allowed my emotions to take over me. Some are mine to share, others aren’t only mine and therefore, not mine to share. My plan to overcome these emotions, the negative tapes, the constant comparison is to meet them head on. I am not hiding them any longer. I am not wearing the guise of happiness and contentment. Instead I am going to be real, authentic and say “I am not okay. I am walking through a season of being heavy hearted. I am working through some emotions, allowing myself to be beautifully broken in order to be fully surrendered and healed.” I am going to be transparent and write about them, share them. I don’t share them because I am special or different, but because I want to give hope. Hope to someone like me, someone who may also be drowning in their sea of negativity and comparison; someone who feels alone. I share to allow others to know they aren’t alone and maybe together, with truth, honesty and transparency, allow someone else to heal, to find beauty in the breaking and get pieced back together to shine… like I am doing. I am no longer ashamed that this is where I am.
Here… Now… I begin sharing this journey with you… I pray you will follow. I can’t promise I will share daily as I am busy as a single mom of three. I do promise to write much more frequently though, hopefully two or more times a week. I promise to be transparent and share this journey with you… Won’t you join me?
I'm a single mom of four radiant kids who believes in relationship with Jesus over religion. I'm trying not to battle with fear anymore - instead I am choosing to follow what God has called me to do. With that you'll find me here, trying to be brave, with the goal of being authentic and honest about God, single parenting and the beauty in the mess of my joyful chaos. It's sure to be a journey... and I am blessed to share it with you!