It’s here in the quiet of the evening, kids sound alseep, my livingroom lit up by the light of my computer screen, when all the words that I have had running through my head to write today, suddenly escape me. As I sit down to write, all my thoughts get jumbled, nothing sounds quite right, I feel uncertain about what I am writing, I question if I am sharing more than I should in my writing. I become paralyzed and can’t write. I have so much to say, so much I want to share and every thought that could defeat me in my writing is hitting me. Instead of sharing all I had thought of today, I am instead sharing this. My momentary mess. My sudden burst of paralyzing worry when it comes to my writing. My doubt. My feelings of inadequacy in my writing.
I have spent years with writer’s block. I will get moments when I can put words on paper and I am pleased enough with how they sound I will share them. Unfortunately, they never are as good as what I desire them to be; they don’t tell exactly what I hoped to convey. I have allowed fear to keep me from pushing through; I have allowed fear to distract me from my dream. I have allowed fear to keep me from following my heart, my passion. I have allowed fear to keep me from using the gift of words God blessed me with.
No more. It’s here and now that I say no more. I will not allow fear to keep me from not writing. I will not allow fear to tell me my writing sucks. I will not allow fear to allow me to compare my writing others stating that if I can’t write that well, then I shouldn’t be writing. I will not let fear keep me distracted from me dream, from following my heart, my passion. I will not allow fear to keep me from using the gift of words. I will not allow fear to keep me from sharing my story. No my words my not be as eloquent as others, or as I hope they could be, but they will be shared.
It is now that I am determined to be brave. I will be brave and write. I will share my words, my story. I will share the ugly mess, the joyful chaos, the real authentic stories of being a single mom, of raising three kids, of my healing, of living life and being beautifully broken. I will share my stories of love, laughter and life. It is here and now that I kick fear in the face and say “NO MORE!” It is here and now where I choose to be brave and step out in faith, for I know I have not dreamed of writing all my life for no reason. I know without a doubt, He desires to use me, to use my words, my stories and my faith for His purpose. I know now is the time to step back, let go of me and let Him.
Here it goes… my step of faith, my being brave.
I'm a single mom of four radiant kids who believes in relationship with Jesus over religion. I'm trying not to battle with fear anymore - instead I am choosing to follow what God has called me to do. With that you'll find me here, trying to be brave, with the goal of being authentic and honest about God, single parenting and the beauty in the mess of my joyful chaos. It's sure to be a journey... and I am blessed to share it with you!