How I desire to write and listen to what my heart calls me to do, to what I feel He has called me to do. What a battle this is though. I have longed to write since I was young .It has been my passion, my dream, my heart's desire. I have never known what exactly I want to write. I couldn't answer that one question I would always be asked - "What do you want to write? A book? About what?" I have never known, but I have always known my dream has been to write. I have journaled since I was just a kid; I have journals from when I was in third grade. I have always had this innate longing to write, to express myself through the written word. It's here, in the dream, in this place where I feel home, where I feel at peace, where I feel I can express myself that I feel stuck; it's here where I experience such defeat, fear, uncertainty and indirection.
Today during my morning quiet time, while reading "Fervent" by Priscilla Shirer, I was reading on Fear. It was in this chapter what has been gnawing at me in the far back of my mind, was brought straight in front of me. She writes "...fears like these, instead of simply raising our blood pressure, ought to set off some fire alarms. Why am I feeling paralyzed like this?" (page 109) It was reading this sentence when it hit me... I am feeling paralyzed in my writing because it's what God is calling me to do. I may not know what I am to write, but He knows what He wants me to write; He knows who He wants to reach with my writing. My writing isn't mine. I have always thought my writing is mine, my dream, my place, my goal. Today He confirmed it's not mine, it's His gift to me for me to use for Him, for His glory. My writing... what I call my dream...is my gift to use... to share what He is doing in my life, in the life of my kids. It's because it's His that I experience Fear. Anxiety. Comparison. Uncertainty. I experience these not because of Him though, but because I have chosen to not listen and tight to His truth, but to believe the lies that are coming at me to derail me from His calling on my life.
Truth is, I have to take my own advice that I gave my handsome, mature, God loving, God fearing, smart, incredible son just last week. I sat in the car in the parking lot of Woods Coffee, looked at him and with strong conviction told him "You son are stronger than your anxiety. Your God is bigger than your anxiety. His calling on your life is greater. DO NOT listen to the lies, but hold onto His truth of who you are, who He created you to be, and His plans for you. Dig in, fight, perservere and with Him conquer the lies, the anxiety and glorify Him through your story. I will fight with you and walk your journey with you... and as your mom I refuse to allow you to be defeated by anxiety!"
Today, I hear Him telling me the same things "Tiani, you my precious daughter, are stronger than your fear. Me, your God is bigger than your fear. My calling on your life is great. DO NOT listen to the lies, but hold onto my truths. My truths of who you are, of my calling on your life, for my calling is greater than your fears. I know the plans I have for you Tiani. Dig in, perservere and walk with me and together we will conquer your fear."
As I walk one foot in front of the other in faith, following my calling to write, I will remember He is bigger than my fears. I will remember He doesn't give me a spirit of fear actually for His word says "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Tim. 1:7 NKJV) I will remember when I experience fear that paralyzes, that God gives me a sound mind and I must not believe the lies of fear, instead I will take another step forward in faith. I will fight through, I will write, and I will allow Him to lead my words, my blog site and where my writing takes me.
I'm a single mom of four radiant kids who believes in relationship with Jesus over religion. I'm trying not to battle with fear anymore - instead I am choosing to follow what God has called me to do. With that you'll find me here, trying to be brave, with the goal of being authentic and honest about God, single parenting and the beauty in the mess of my joyful chaos. It's sure to be a journey... and I am blessed to share it with you!