Twelve months. One year. 365 days. It's been that long since my last post. One year ago I wrote about struggling with comparison, with my faith, with my whys and being ready to embrace my journey, embrace where God has me and to claim back my joy. It’s been a long twelve months. It’s not been twelve months of letting go of comparison, of strengthening my faith, of letting go of the whys, of embracing my journey and where God has me or claiming back my joy. Instead, it’s been quite the opposite. I have gone deeper into my struggle of comparison, my faith has been shattered and my whys have only grown with no answers. Instead of joy I have found myself filled with sadness, bitterness and anger. I looked in the mirror a few months ago only to not recognize who I saw looking back at me… the reflection was a stranger.
As I stood staring in the mirror at the stranger in front of me, I broke. Where had I gone? Why I had allowed the last year or more crush me? To break me? Why have I stuffed every negative emotion down? Why have I not spoken with friends about my feelings? Why have I not been honest with my friends, Aaron or myself about how much my heart hurts, about how hard this has been? Why have I not spoken to my friends about my shattered faith? Sought help to repair my faith so I could return to trusting and knowing God has a plan, rather than wondering why I feel forsaken and left behind. Why have I not sat at my computer and written, been transparent, authentic and real about my feelings, my emotions, my journey?
It was here, in this moment, I realized I was afraid; filled with fear. Afraid of being real, authentic and transparent. I was afraid that if people knew what was truly going on inside me they would judge. I had spent the last two years being brave and being strong; what would people thing to know how much this journey hurts? How much it has made me question my faith? What would people think if they knew how weak I truly was during this journey? What if my authenticity offended someone? What if my being real, honest and transparent caused someone to be mad, or judge or feel attacked? I realized in this moment of staring at a stranger in the mirror, that I had become a woman of fear rather than a woman of faith. I allowed fear and to take everything from me over the last almost two years.
The reality is people who know me, who know my heart, know my intent. They know my intent in sharing my journey is not to offend, not to make others questions their actions, but instead to be real about mine; to share mine in hopes that maybe, just maybe, my story, my words can minister to another. Maybe my story ministers to another woman being told similar facts about her pregnancy; or to the mom who was just told her baby has Down Syndrome; or to the woman who is feeling grief from learning her child will be differently abled; or maybe to the family member of a woman in a situation like mine who needs to know how to love and minister to her during this time. My intent is not to offend, but to be real, to heal and to share my journey to honor God and how faithful He has been despite all my questions and anger.
I sit here now, at my computer due to the encouragement of a few people dear to me (thank you Aaron and Marilu). They spoke truth to me. They reminded me my writing is me. My writing is my home, my healing and where I am called. They reminded me to share my journey with you; with those who choose to read; with those who choose to come along and share the journey. So here I am here to be real, authentic and transparent. I am hear to share the good, the bad, the ugly with you. My writing will not be perfect. I will have grammar errors, run on sentences and improper punctuation; but I will also have truth, honesty and my writing will be me. It will be from my heart. It will be real. Some days it will be raw and other days it will be filled with laughter.
It’s as I sit here now, writing I see I was beautifully broken so He can piece me back together… it’s time to surrender my hurt, my whys, my anger, my bitterness and my questions. It’s time to be honest, to be real and not stop worrying what people with think about me if I am honest about this journey. It’s time for me to not live for the approval of those around me, but for His. In the midst of the storm, He has not forgotten me. He has been with me all along. It’s me who ran away and He is waiting with His arms open wide to embrace me; to hold me and tell me I am His, Arrow is His and He is enough for us both.
With that… I will be writing again. I will be open, sharing my journey of healing… because I am in the midst of being put back together; not as I was before, but in a better version of myself. I will never be who I was prior to this journey, but that’s the beauty of it all… this journey, has changed me, and will continue to change me, but if I allow it, this journey will change me for the better. This journey, will open doors I never imagined, bring people to my life I wouldn’t have known otherwise… this journey will refine me, grow me and mature me. This journey will open my eyes and take me on a path I never imagined. This journey will be my life… and a beautiful life it will be.
I'm a single mom of four radiant kids who believes in relationship with Jesus over religion. I'm trying not to battle with fear anymore - instead I am choosing to follow what God has called me to do. With that you'll find me here, trying to be brave, with the goal of being authentic and honest about God, single parenting and the beauty in the mess of my joyful chaos. It's sure to be a journey... and I am blessed to share it with you!