Each time I think I am going to brave and write consistently, I hit road blocks of various sorts. Many of the road blocks are not physical, but rather emotional, thoughts that lead to me be stuck, to doubt, to worry and inevitably to stop writing. I come up with many excuses such as I don't have time, no one reads my blog anyway, I am not a good writing and the list goes on and on. The reality is I can make time, it's irrelevant if no one reads my blog - I write because it's a fire inside me, because it's what I am called to do and it's again irrelevant if I am not a good writer.
I have spent many mornings over the last couple months writing in my journal, pouring out my heart to God about my longing to write, pouring out my fears, my doubts and my worries. Entry after entry in my journal is about how I want to be brave, how I want to dream big, how I want to write, how I pray that my story, my insignificant story, ministers to someone and helps them know who they are in Christ, that they are not alone in this journey of life. I have cried out to God to take my passion of writing and use it for Him, to use my story for His glory, to help me to be the message, and yet I have sat paralyzed. My only writing has been in my journal for only me to see. How can my writing, my story be for His glory if I am not sharing it? How can my story minister to anyone if I sit in fear, in doubt, in worry and don't share it? How am I showing others to be brave, to trust the Lord if I myself cannot? How can I show others that God plants a passion within us for a reason if I deny my passion, my dream and keep it solely for myself? In all my journaling I hear Him telling me to trust, that my dream of writing is for a purpose, for a reason. I have to remember that my vision with my writing may not at all be His vision for my writing. I have to let go of my control, and listen to where He leads me and just enjoy the journey. I have to know this desire to write, this gift of words was placed within me for a reason. While I feel inadequate in my writing I need to move forward and write. I need to not keep it solely in my journal for only me to see. I need to share it. I have to know there will be those who judge my writing and my story, who will ridicule and speak words that hurt; but that comes with the territory. I cannot stand in fear or worry of the judgement and ridicule and harsh words that may come; I need to follow my dream, I need to listen to where my Father is leading me and I that means coming here, to my blog and writing. That may mean some days my entries, my posts, look unprofessional, and possibly don't read eloquently. The posts may have spelling errors and incorrect grammar. I will work to edit and fix those.... but if I allow my worry of my errors in writing to keep me from writing then I again am staying in my own personal jail and not listening to what I know I am called to do. After all, my writing, my blog, my story - it's His. It's His to use to reach others as He desires or to heal parts of me I didn't know my writing would heal. This is where I step out finally in full faith and obedience to what He has called me to do. It's time for me to remove my doubt, my worries, my concerns and to listen and share. I don't know what sharing will look like, what it means or where this will go. What I do know is it's time... it's time to listen fully, to embrace my heart's desire, to walk in faith and not by sight, to stand in His truth of who I am... to step out and honor my dream.
I leave you with my journal entry from 10/19/2015 which reads this:
"DREAMER... I dream of...
Reaching others through my words
Sharing Jesus in my writing
Sharing my journey....
I dream of reaching girls-
teaching them to
like Jesus loves them.
To know their worth...
I'm a single mom of four radiant kids who believes in relationship with Jesus over religion. I'm trying not to battle with fear anymore - instead I am choosing to follow what God has called me to do. With that you'll find me here, trying to be brave, with the goal of being authentic and honest about God, single parenting and the beauty in the mess of my joyful chaos. It's sure to be a journey... and I am blessed to share it with you!