It doesn’t get easier. I had thought that as the years went on I would get use to it; that I would no longer feel the angst, the loss, the hurt when he is gone. It’s not true. As time goes on, it doesn’t get easier, it simply changes. I am use to the schedule. I am use to being without him for windows of time while he visits his dad. I am use to the long weekends to get him to and from the airports. I am use to the chaos of purchasing tickets, of coordinating schedules, of packing his bags. I am use to the process of it all. I am use to the feelings and the emotions. I had hoped it would change. I had hoped it would become easier because I would get use to it all. After seven years though, I have come to see the feelings don’t change. I cannot love him and be okay with him leaving. I cannot love him with all of me and watch him walk down the walkway to board his plane without tears forming in my eyes. I cannot watch the plane depart down the runway without the tears falling from my eyes and running down my cheeks.
As I stood and watched the plane taxi down the runway I questioned my decision. Should I have let him travel alone again? What happens if he cries? What happens if he gets scared? What will he do if his ears hurt upon landing? Typically, he would be holding my hand as we taxied down the runway; if he cried he would lean against me and allow me to love on him; if his ears hurt upon landing I would massage his ears. This time, he was alone. I was not there to comfort him, to talk with him, to laugh with him. He was alone in the plane for the three and a half hour flight to Dallas.
While watching the plane taxi, while having all the questions race through my head, I was granted a peace that I cannot explain. I knew he would be safe. I knew I made the correct choice, and that he could handle the flight alone. I knew it was time for him to gain some more authentic confidence. I knew I needed to trust my decision to have him fly alone. I know him, I know his various smiles, laughs, cries and faces; because of this, I also knew this was a moment where I needed to give him wings to fly.
This is the first of many moments where I will have to let go. Not just of my youngest, but of my other two as well. These three kids are not mine forever. They have been given to me to raise, to love and to build into men and a woman who will be world changers. Part of raising kids to be world changers is giving kids controlled moments to grow their confidence, to grow their abilities and to realize just what they are capable of. This means letting go, releasing them in moments where as a mom I want to cling to them, I want to hold onto them and protect them, and yet I have to allow them to spread their wings, to take flight and see what they are truly made of.
While today was simply putting youngest on a plane alone for the second time, it was a reminder to me of what lies ahead. It was a reminder to cherish each moment I am blessed with in the midst of the chaos, it was a reminder that I will never get use to letting go, but that letting go is all a part of the process. I have to let go in order to allow the kids to be who God has created them to be; to allow them to grow and step into their callings. It’s also a piece of my growth, of me trusting the Lord even when my heart aches, of me remembering that these kids are only mine for a short period of time and I need to cherish each moment I am blessed with.
I'm a single mom of four radiant kids who believes in relationship with Jesus over religion. I'm trying not to battle with fear anymore - instead I am choosing to follow what God has called me to do. With that you'll find me here, trying to be brave, with the goal of being authentic and honest about God, single parenting and the beauty in the mess of my joyful chaos. It's sure to be a journey... and I am blessed to share it with you!