I don’t even know where to begin. My mind is swimming with various thoughts, processing emotions, swirling with incoming truths to counteract the negative self talk. I am having trouble putting all the thoughts into a coherent structure; of making sense of what I am feeling and thinking. I am having trouble fully believing the truths being spoken into me, but instead finding it easier to believe the negative self talk.
Why is it that I can know what I deserve? Why is it that I can confidently say that I deserve someone in my life who is honest, truthful, loyal, a man of strong character, a man who finds me beautiful, a man who desires to get to know me and look beyond my past and instead at who I am right now, to see me as I am and see my journey as simply a piece of what has made me who I am? I know I deserve all this. The difficult part is accepting it. Why is it that I am having trouble with the concept of accepting this? I have met someone who finally encompasses all this. Someone who doesn’t see my past as something horrible, who doesn’t look at me and see “a car to test drive”, who sees me as a person, as a beautiful woman, as an incredible mom. Someone who makes me laugh, encourages me, desires to spend time with me, who wants the same things I want in a relationship. He is a man who is honest, truthful, loyal and of strong character. Sounds perfect, huh?
It is here, though, where I struggle. Here where I find my doubt. My doubt isn’t in him. My doubt isn’t that he is not who he presents himself to be. He possesses qualities he just couldn’t fake; I believe he is everything I am getting to know; that what I see is who he truly is. Instead my doubt is in that fact of if I deserve this. How can I truly have someone who sees me the way he sees me? Intellectually I know I deserve this, every piece of this relationship, every lovely moment, every lovely word, every lovely touch. I simply need to accept it. I need to accept the beautiful words he says to me, the heartful words he texts to me. I need to accept how he sees me and the tender way he touches me. I need to learn to accept that he chooses to care for me, he is choosing to get to know me, to encourage me in my dream of writing, to know what makes me who I am. I need to accept that he looks beyond my past and instead at me; at who I am right here, right now. I need to accept that he sees my past as a part of my journey, and doesn’t judge me by my choices. I need to accept that there truly are men out there like him; men who have no hidden agenda. I also need to accept that I want to spend time with him, that I want to encourage him, care for him and continue to get to know him, to know his dreams, his fears, his goals, his successes - that I want to know him for who he is.
Not only do I need to learn to accept the long list of items stated above, but I need to let go of my fears. I am not only struggling with accepting the beauty of this relationship, the real authenticity of this amazing man, but I am struggling with fear. Fear that I will get hurt. Fear that he will change his mind and decide that my past choices are too much. Fear that he will see that I don’t deserve what he has to offer me. Fear that who I am is not enough. Intellectually I know these fears are irrational; it’s in my emotions the fears feel rational. I understand these fears come from the past; they are a part of the hurt, the lies and the betrayal I have experienced. I am learning these fears come as I get to know him more, as I begin to care about him, as feeling begin to grow. These fears come as my feelings begin to grow and I become vulnerable, because it’s in being vulnerable and sharing one’s heart where relationships take root, but hurt can occur.
Over the last year I have done a lot of healing. It’s now as I enter into this lovely, heart warming relationship that I realize there is another level of healing to take place. I need to heal the areas that cause me to doubt myself, that cause me to question if I truly deserve this. I need to embrace what He has placed in front of me; I need to embrace my answer to prayer and simply enjoy. I need to be in the moment. I need to enjoy the beginning. I need to enjoy all of this, but more than just enjoy it, I need to cherish it, treasure it and know without a doubt that I deserve each and every moment of this relationship. It’s here where I will listen and choose to believe the truths a dear friend recently spoke to me:
I deserve this
I am worthy of this level of attention.
I am valuable.
It’s okay to be told I am beautiful on a daily basis.
I don’t have to be alone.
I don’t have to lower my standards
I don’t have to take whatever scraps some dog tosses me… I can have the whole buffet!
I'm a single mom of four radiant kids who believes in relationship with Jesus over religion. I'm trying not to battle with fear anymore - instead I am choosing to follow what God has called me to do. With that you'll find me here, trying to be brave, with the goal of being authentic and honest about God, single parenting and the beauty in the mess of my joyful chaos. It's sure to be a journey... and I am blessed to share it with you!