His plan .. or .. My plan??

It’s been three months since Arrow blessed us with her early arrival.  Six weeks since I have written, sharing our NICU journey.  Two months since she came came home and five weeks since I have returned to work.  In those six weeks that I have written, I keep thinking of writing. I keep wanting to sit down and share our 26 days at the NICU, wanting to write it so I will never forget those days, never forget the joy of being with her mixed with grief, worry, concern and exhaustion.  I haven’t written because when I think of writing about it all, I realize I will never forget those 26 days, that I am still processing the emotions of those days, the emotions of her diagnosis of Down Syndrome and processing the miracles God keeps blessing our family with.  I tell myself to sit down and write, to share the NICU journey, to write about the days in Swedish, the feelings of leaving her each night, the joys of her meeting goals, the hardships of taking steps backward with goals, the amazing nurses who walked the emotions with me, the time away from my other family and how my incredible daughter Aysa walked the journey with me, spending every available moment with me at Swedish.  I keep telling myself to share the journey, to share the miracle of her heart…. But then I am stopped. I am stopped because to share this journey is to relive every heart wrenching moment again, is to be raw and real about how much it hurt, how much fear was mixed with the joy and to fully remove the mask of strength that I try to carry and thus allow people to see the other side of me.
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This is a huge fight with God and me.  I know my blog is to share Arrow’s story - to be truthful and authentic about our journey and what God is doing in us, thru us and more importantly thru Arrow.  I fight with God about writing and sharing because some of my feelings may not gain a good response from others, because I am worried what people will think if they really knew how this journey feels; or people will feel sorry for me and that isn’t what I want because there is no reason to feel sorry for me or for us or even Arrow.  The feelings are all part of the journey, part of the growth, part of His plan for me.  I remind myself that when I feel broken and lost right now, that God is doing a great work in me and He isn’t done yet; that God is working on me and in me because He has a plan with my story and will use my story, use Arrow’s story to reach others, to minister to others… and all the while minister to my very own heart.  God is using my story, my beautifully broken self to speak to others… how He will use this all is unseen, but I know I must first stop fighting, step out in faith, daily, and continue to share. I must stop my excuses of no time, bad lay out on my blog site, being an amatuer writer and the millions of other reasons I come up with to not write, to not share, but to instead hide and stay in my safe bubble.  No more… I am teaching my daughter Aysa to be bold, to shine a light, to persevere, to honor God even in the mundane; I am pushing Arrow in her exercises to develop and be strong.  I too need to be bold, to shine a light, to persevere, to honor God in the mundane, to push myself to develop and be strong… I must be an example for my daughters to emulate …. And that starts here… with sharing the details of our journey consistently, with being honest and raw about my feelings, the good, the bad and the inbetween.

As I sit here writing, I think of Arrow’s sweet face, her presence in my life and know I am not meant to keep her to myself. I know she is here to have her story shared; to share how her presence is changing and shaping me; to share how God is using her to refine me, to strengthen me and feel deeply into emotions I have buried and now face them and heal them.  I am to share how her presence has grown my family and has shown me where I need to grow in areas of contentment, comparison, trust and in my faith.

With that said, I will be pushing myself to write consistently, to share our 26 days in the NICU, to share the good, the bad, the ups, the downs and the mundane of our journey.  I will be real, authentic and raw with our journey and my feelings. I will not write to please others, to gain compliments or to tickle the ears of those who read what I share, but instead I will write to be real, to honor what God calls me to share, the reality of my feelings and journey and to share my daughter with those who wish to join me in this journey.