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“Jesus calm my heart Come near me please Lord don't let these worries get the best of me Oh I believe, that You're still here with me Cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave “I'm at the end of myself I know I've got nothing left Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death And I've been down here so long I just can't find my way out Oh God I don't stand a chance Unless You carry me now God carry me now” I sat with my music playing, pen in hand and journal in front of me, when the song “Carry Me” by Josh Wilson came on my Pandora station. At first I wasn’t listening much to the lyrics of the song, just writing my heart out, when suddenly I heard the above verse, and tears welled, then fell, hitting the pages of my journal. This is the cry of my heart right now - the words that I am wanting to shout out, but haven’t been able to form. Yes Lord, calm my heart, come near me and don’t let my worries get the best of me. Right now my worries are all consuming. Usually I do better; usually I am able to lay my worries at the feet of Jesus, I am able to hand them over. Usually I am able to remove the lies I hear with His truths. Why is it that during this season I am constantly feeling unsettled? Consistently feeling like I am not enough? As if I cannot keep up? Why is it that I am feeling exhausted? Not physically exhausted, but emotionally exhausted?  I constantly talk with my kids about how God will use the difficult seasons for something good; that those seasons, while hard refine us and grow us. I tell them that He will use those time for a purpose. While I believe this, it’s so difficult when feeling at the end of oneself to embrace this; to hold onto the fact that this season, this time of being emotionally empty, unsettled and exhausted will have a greater purpose. It’s hard to see the other side to this season even. I know for every valley, there is a climb to the top of the mountain; I just have to be willing to climb. Thankfully it’s not a climb I have to make alone. In fact, I am surrounded, not only by standing in my faith, but by my closest friends and family. I don’t know what’s on the other side of this, nor how long it will take to get to the other side of this, but I do know I will be stronger and a better version of me when I get there. I know this season, the season that I have been in, will refine me not define me. This season is about growth, growth in my roots so I can be like an oak tree, not swayed by the storms of life, but firmly planted. This season is about learning to give myself grace when I deserve grace, about removing the lies that are constantly bombarding me with truth, about learning to rest in Him, trusting in Him and remembering to find the beauty in the simplicity of life, not in the rushing and to do lists. This … this is the cause of the exhaustion… the rushing… the never ending list of to do items… the never pausing to breathe… to take in the beauty… to cherish the sound of my kids laughter… to cherish my youngest son reading his book next to me while I write… to cherish my oldest son djing in my living room at all hours of the day… to cherish the midday text from my daughter telling me she loves me. This time of feeling empty is because somewhere along the way this last year, I have gone off track. I lost my perspective. I took a detour down a trail that has left me crying out:
“I'm at the end of myself I know I've got nothing left Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death And I've been down here so long I just can't find my way out Oh God I don't stand a chance Unless You carry me now God carry me now” I am having to learn to stop all my planning, my constant task list, my always on the go. For that lifestyle, while elements of it are helpful, over all there is not a deep, soul satisfying reward. Living that way is only because if my ways I was living in the land of COMPARISON.. A deadly, soul eating land…. A land that I believe will be time to explore deeper… how we arrive there and why we remain. It’s time I say good bye to this land of Comparison, it’s exhausted me, and the only way I stand a chance of leaving, of feeling full is to cry out the lyrics of the song, the cry of my heart “God I don’t stand a chance unless you carry me now. God carry me now.”
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 Tonight I sit at my computer to begin writing, with a heavy heart. One that I have come to realize I have been carrying for some time. The last few months, roughly five months, have been a rollercoaster of emotions. For much of the time I thought I was doing well, more than managing but actually living and not just surviving. Slowly though, over the last five months, I have come to see I have been going through the motions, stuffing emotions and merely surviving. I wear the guise that life is great and I am good. Only inside, I am falling apart. The tapes of Destruction being written in my head every day… getting meaner, and more negative as each day passes.
“You’re not a good mom” “You’re not a good manager at work.” “You’re a terrible girlfriend. A real girlfriend wouldn’t be so critical.” “Of course you’re a terrible girlfriend, after all you were a horrible wife, why would you be any different now?” “You would be a horrible step-mom. You were horrible before.” “You are wrong to have high expectations on all the kids including your boyfriend’s son.” “You will never get remarried. You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve a wedding and he will never love you; you will always be second to him.” “You will never be enough to make your parent proud.” “You should not write. You’re a horrible writer.” “You have nothing to offer to those around you.” “You are terrible at keeping house - it’s never fully clean. You should be embarrassed to have people over.” “You think stuff through too much.” “You need to be different. You need to be able to make quick decisions.” These are just some of the negative statements I have running through my head every day. Usually I can replace them with truth, God’s truth. Lately though, I am struggling with replacing them with truth. Instead, all my failures, all my mistakes, all my imperfections are bombarding me. I am constantly comparing myself to others, how if I was more like this person, then I would be more disciplined with exercise; if I was more like this person then I would be a better mom, girlfriend and housekeeper; if I was more like this person, I would be more successful at work and in my education. Comparisons like this bombard me all day, every day. As I reflect on the last five months, as it becomes apparent why I am now drowning in a sea of negative thoughts and comparison, I can see the situations that I have allowed to bring me to this place. I see where I went off track, where I have allowed my emotions to take over me. Some are mine to share, others aren’t only mine and therefore, not mine to share. My plan to overcome these emotions, the negative tapes, the constant comparison is to meet them head on. I am not hiding them any longer. I am not wearing the guise of happiness and contentment. Instead I am going to be real, authentic and say “I am not okay. I am walking through a season of being heavy hearted. I am working through some emotions, allowing myself to be beautifully broken in order to be fully surrendered and healed.” I am going to be transparent and write about them, share them. I don’t share them because I am special or different, but because I want to give hope. Hope to someone like me, someone who may also be drowning in their sea of negativity and comparison; someone who feels alone. I share to allow others to know they aren’t alone and maybe together, with truth, honesty and transparency, allow someone else to heal, to find beauty in the breaking and get pieced back together to shine… like I am doing. I am no longer ashamed that this is where I am. Here… Now… I begin sharing this journey with you… I pray you will follow. I can’t promise I will share daily as I am busy as a single mom of three. I do promise to write much more frequently though, hopefully two or more times a week. I promise to be transparent and share this journey with you… Won’t you join me? |
About me...I'm a single mom of four radiant kids who believes in relationship with Jesus over religion. I'm trying not to battle with fear anymore - instead I am choosing to follow what God has called me to do. With that you'll find me here, trying to be brave, with the goal of being authentic and honest about God, single parenting and the beauty in the mess of my joyful chaos. It's sure to be a journey... and I am blessed to share it with you! Archives
March 2019
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