Season of Reflection

There are times in life when one reflects on their choices and where they are now.  This has been a season of reflection for me; a season of looking at where I have been and where I have come.  A season of seeing how the moments of loss, of not understanding why prayers were unanswered have all resulted in blessings and situations that are far better than what I could have imagined.  During this season, I am learning, I am growing. I am seeing areas where I still need to heal, where I need to forgive myself, and areas where I need to allow walls that have been built to be broken down.  

As I write this, I am curled up on bed with two of my littles laying next to me.  It’s moments like this, moments where my oldest little is sound asleep downstairs, my other two littles are laying next to me watching t.v. that I realize although I have not always made the choices that were the best, or well thought out, that I have an abundance, that I am blessed beyond measure. My life may not be what I had “wanted” when I was little. I may not have married, had babies and got to stay home to raise them, having a happy marriage. Instead, I had babies when young, raised them on my own, married, then divorced and have had to learn to juggle raising kids, working, finding myself and holding onto the dreams of my life that are deep within my heart all at the same time.  I have had to learn how to be content with where I am; how to give as much of myself as I can to my kids, which is where my heart is, while making choices to build a career that will provide and support them, a career where my heart is not.  

Tonight, as I drove from work to pick Aysa up from soccer practice, I broke. It was 7:00, I had just left work, and as I drove it hit me - I hate the fact that I have work long hours, that i have to arrange rides for my kids to soccer, that tonight we didn’t get to have a family dinner.  I allowed the tears to fall and I allowed myself to feel the sorrow I was feeling for a brief moment, but only a moment.  As the tears fell, I began to stop the thoughts that were running through my about how much I miss, about how I wish I could be home with my kids, could be taking them to school, picking them, how much I wish I could have been home more when they were little, I then thought about how blessed I have been to have the time with them I have. I thought about how blessed I have been to have a job that provides for our needs, allows me the flexibility to still be able to attend their sports, to meet them for lunch and to be home with them when they are sick. As I began to focus on my blessings I also realized, where I am is the result of my choices, not someone else’s choices, but my choices.  

It’s here where I think of my choices that I often begin to beat myself up, where I find I have little to no forgiveness for myself.  Only tonight, it was different. Tonight I was able to think myself “Yes Tiani, this is the result of you choosing to raise your kids instead of adoption; this is the result of you leaving your marriage. This is the result of the many choices you have made - the many positive choices.”  With tears of thankfulness falling down my cheeks I pulled into the park and sat in my car watching my daughter practice soccer.  

As I write and reflect on my earlier evening, I see that the same attitude of thankfulness I was able to embrace, I need to embrace in other areas and choices in my life.  I need to allow myself full forgiveness and let go. I need to allow others to fully love me and not doubt or question the fact they love me. I need to instead thank God for the blessings of what is right in front of me, instead of focusing on how I have fallen short. I need to thank Him for the amazing people He has brought into my life, for the people who see past the ugly and instead see me and love me like He loves me.  I am not going to lie, it’s hard. I have just been learning to fully embrace and accept that He loves me as I am; that He forgives me and when I fall short, He loves me the same.  It’s difficult, and beautiful, to have people in my life who love me the same way; who are earthly reflections of His love, His grace, His forgiveness.  I am so thankful, so grateful for the abundance I have been blessed with; for Him knowing the deepest desires of my heart, knowing them because He placed them there. I am thankful that despite being a single mom of three, despite the usual difficulties, the kids and I have always had our needs met; the kids and I have an amazing relationship.  The truth is, my relationship with my kids may not have the depth and love that we have now had I been the stay at home mom I wanted to be.  What we have, the depth, the love, the joy, the laughter, the respect, it all comes from where we have been; where we have been together, as a team and how we, as a team, have come through it all. It’s from me learning to raise three kids, to balance family, work and finding myself all at the same time that has created the amazing family I have right now. It’s the choices, good and bad, that have brought us right here - to this moment, where we are surrounded by incredible friends sharing life with us, loving us and allowing us to love them.  I am thankful to be letting go of my plans for my life and learning to embrace His plans for my life; to be able to allow others to love me and for me to learn to love other like He loves me.