Some weeks life feels like a hamster wheel... running in circles getting no where other than exhausted, discouraged and frustrated.  This week is my hamster wheel week.  I ended my weekend at the point of emotional exhaustion, finding myself driving in the car with my lovely twelve year old daughter, crying. Okay, more like sobbing and unable to coherently speak, but thankfully could still see through the tears enough to drive, and speak clearly enough to let my daughter know "I'm really sorry. I'm really ok."
Sadly I can't even fully pin point the why behind my emotional exhaustion.  The weekend had been like any other weekend over the last 8 months. Saturday was filled with work and kids' activities such as indoor soccer and basketball.  Saturday night was a lovely night out with my boyfriend for a work event and then home early enough to relax and watch my new favorite show on Netflix, "Parenthood".  My Sunday was filled with pure laziness.  Yes I had a laundry list of items I should have been doing... cleaning bathrooms, laundry, vacuuming, dishes, dusting, organizing my downstairs, organizing my office, meal planning, grocery shopping, cleaning out my car, studying, balancing my check book, paying bills and this is just the beginning of the list.  I was filled with no desire to actually be intentional with my time, with my day and accomplish anything. Instead I started by day in bed, drinking a warm cup of Spark, reading my devotional and writing in my journal, followed by writing on my blog which was only followed by more laziness which consisted of watching more "Parenthood."  When dinner came, I had no desire to cook, and truly nothing in the house to cook since I boycotted meal planning and grocery shopping; this resulted then in dinner from Panda Express (after all no one else makes such delicious orange chicken).  It was here, the end of my day of laziness, after grabbing orange chicken for four, when my emotions sunk, and I was a ball of tears.. all because my daughter asked me if we could do some activity. I don't recall what it was even, but that it cost money... and that's when the tears flowed and all I could keep telling her was that I was sorry; that I am working hard to provide for us, but I just don't have the extra money.
Monday I awoke just as emotional exhausted. I am tired of running on the hamster wheel. The wheel was intended for hamsters to get exercise, not to remain on indefinitely, or until complete exhaustion at which time they are paralyzed.  This is me right now... I am the hamster. I am on the hamster wheel, not on the wheel to exercise, but on the wheel trying to maintain, only I am reaching exhaustion, my margin is full.  In this exhaustion I feel discouraged.  I feel frustrated. I have been working hard in all areas of my life, I have been working to move ahead to provide for my kids, to get debt reduced, to meet the needs of each one of my kids, to be an active, engaged parent for my kids, to take care of myself, to grow my own dreams and passions, to be financially wise and the list goes on.  I keep doing.  
That's the problem... I keep doing.  I live off a list. I check off my items as I accomplish them.  I live my life on the wheel thinking it's moving me forward, getting me ahead, but instead I am spinning in circles. It's time to get off the wheel. Take the frightening jump. Leap off the wheel...I need to live here, now and focus on what is working, what blessings are in front of me... I need to trust in what God has planned and not what I have planned.  
It's time to turn into Him for rest, for reassurance, for strength and listen. It's time to let go of my plan and remember He knows the plans He has for me, plans to give me hope and a future.  

How I desire to write and listen to what my heart calls me to do, to what I feel He has called me to do.  What a battle this is though.  I have longed to write since I was young .It has been my passion, my dream, my heart's desire. I have never known what exactly I want to write. I couldn't answer that one question I would always be asked - "What do you want to write? A book? About what?" I have never known, but I have always known my dream has been to write.  I have journaled since I was just a kid; I have journals from when I was in third grade.  I have always had this innate longing to write, to express myself through the written word.  It's here, in the dream, in this place where I feel home, where I feel at peace, where I feel I can express myself that I feel stuck; it's here where I experience such defeat, fear, uncertainty and indirection.
Today during my morning quiet time, while reading "Fervent" by Priscilla Shirer, I was reading on Fear.  It was in this chapter what has been gnawing at me in the far back of my mind, was brought straight in front of me.  She writes "...fears like these, instead of simply raising our blood pressure, ought to set off some fire alarms.  Why am I feeling paralyzed like this?" (page 109)  It was reading this sentence when it hit me... I am feeling paralyzed in my writing because it's what God is calling me to do. I may not know what I am to write, but He knows what He wants me to write; He knows who He wants to reach with my writing.  My writing isn't mine. I have always thought my writing is mine, my dream, my place, my goal.  Today He confirmed it's not mine, it's His gift to me for me to use for Him, for His glory.  My writing... what I call my dream...is my gift to use... to share what He is doing in my life, in the life of my kids.  It's because it's His that I experience Fear. Anxiety. Comparison.  Uncertainty.  I experience these not because of Him though, but because I have chosen to not listen and tight to His truth, but to believe the lies that are coming at me to derail me from His calling on my life. 
Truth is, I have to take my own advice that I gave my handsome, mature, God loving, God fearing, smart, incredible son just last week.  I sat in the car in the parking lot of Woods Coffee, looked at him and with strong conviction told him "You son are stronger than your anxiety. Your God is bigger than your anxiety. His calling on your life is greater. DO NOT listen to the lies, but hold onto His truth of who you are, who He created you to be, and His plans for you. Dig in, fight, perservere and with Him conquer the lies, the anxiety and glorify Him through your story. I will fight with you and walk your journey with you... and as your mom I refuse to allow you to be defeated by anxiety!"

Today, I hear Him telling me the same things "Tiani, you my precious daughter, are stronger than your fear. Me, your God is bigger than your fear. My calling on your life is great. DO NOT listen to the lies, but hold onto my truths. My truths of who you are, of my calling on your life, for my calling is greater than your fears.  I know the plans I have for you Tiani. Dig in, perservere and walk with me and together we will conquer your fear." 

As I walk one foot in front of the other in faith, following my calling to write, I will remember He is bigger than my fears. I will remember He doesn't give me a spirit of fear actually for His word says "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Tim. 1:7 NKJV)  I will remember when I experience fear that paralyzes, that God gives me a sound mind and I must not believe the lies of fear, instead I will take another step forward in faith. I will fight through, I will write, and I will allow Him to lead my words, my blog site and where my writing takes me.